Oh, bother

I just made a big mistake.

I googled “wedding checklist”. Came across this bad boy.

Immediately I started to feel the dread of planning such a big, monumental event while staying true to ourselves as a couple and as individuals. I felt the WIC* crash in, threatening to burst – or at least threatening to coat, with some nastiness – my happy engagement bubble.

Thinking I’d calm my nerves by doing some follow-up etsy searches on things I really know nothing about – like ring bearer pillows and wedding invitations – the feeling of dread just amped up.

J and I are very excited to start, no, make that continue our life together. We’re looking forward to child (children?), making our house our home, and developing traditions of our own. So why do I feel such pressure to throw a kick-ass party up to everyone’s standards in the meantime?

I think part of it, probably most of it, stems from my perfectionist foundation. When I was in fifth grade, I taught myself how to play the viola because I didn’t like being in the group with the third and fourth graders. When I was finally allowed to move up to the fifth grade group, I quit because I had accomplished what I wanted.

That mentality pushed me through college and graduate school as well. I had goals in mind and wanted to check them off my list. I think my etsy shop fell onto The List as well. I saw all these amazing handmade goods on etsy, thought “I’d like to do that”, and then planned and planned and planned until I did.

So while “planning an awesome wedding” has now made it onto The List, I want it to be more for me and for J and for our (future) history, memories, than to satisfy myself in the sense that I crossed another thing off. Even in this very early stage, I’m feeling as though I am going to have to make a strong attempt at keeping myself in check. It’s what I want – to have a wedding that is special to J and I, not a The List wedding – so it shouldn’t be too hard, right?

All you marrieds or engageds out there, let me know how you kept The Expectations from trampling your joy.

*Meg always says it best. Always always.